It Just Took a Choice

Over the past few days, I've been fighting some serious depression.  I've been extremely overwhelmed by being in Kentucky with little income, no friends, and no way to accomplish what I want.  If I didn't have my boyfriend to talk to, I would honestly be a lump in my bed made soggy by all the tears I've cried recently.  I know that sounds a little dramatic, but it's true.  Even at a distance, I'm lucky to have him.  I need to stop making assumptions about him.  My general life experiences have led me to expect the worst from people, and I seem to forget that he's not just any person in my life - he's my boyfriend, he loves me, and he wants to help me.  I nervously and anxiously asked him if I could stay with him in Bloomington, but made sure he knew I wouldn't be able to contribute toward rent, utilities...anything, really.  My income is that low right now.  But he still said yes, when I expected him to say no.  Because he loves me and wants to help me.  So now that I have a place to stay in the town where I want to live, I've asked for a transfer at work from my store to the Bloomington store.  It'll take a few weeks, but I'm confident it'll happen because I'm a good server and I'm sure much of the Btown staff has limited hours because of school being on again. 

SO.  I'm happier today.  I woke up depressed, but I made a choice to leave my depression in bed and continue my day without it.  I made myself a (relatively) healthy breakfast, and now I'm going to get some exercise.  I'm thinking yoga and maybe some weights exercises to rebuild strength in my legs and therefore help my knee.  The healthier my knee is, the more bellydancing I can do, and there is no activity on earth that makes me happier or keeps up my optimism and self-worth more than dancing.

I have to admit, making that choice was hard.  I know the last post I made was about not eating crap and getting exercise, but I haven't done it yet.  I've sort of been mentally working up to it, I think, working on accepting the idea of change (even if it is a small change).  But today I'm ready to go.  There's no point in lamenting over my eating this past week or worrying about whether I'll be able to keep exercising and eating right in the days to come.  My choices on this day matter, in the time between waking and sleeping.  Nothing else. 

Simple and easy, just the way I like it. 

Weight Loss Smweight Loss

Lately, I've been very much anti-effort when it comes to my eating.  I've read a couple of studies in respected health journals about how the types of foods eaten when trying to lose weight really don't matter - it's the amount of food that is most important.  So, I've been slacking off on making sure I get my veggies and fruits and whole grains in.  My weight is going slowly down because I'm still eating less, and I'm comfortable with the pace. 

Actually, I have to say that losing weight has really not been a priority for me in the past month.  I just don't seem to care as much as I once did about the size of my body.  More and more, I'm finding myself very comfortable with the way I look and the idea of fitting into smaller clothes or wearing a bikini has almost entirely lost its appeal.  I just don't care about it anymore.  I haven't stepped on the scale, even out of curiosity, in weeks.

Instead, I'm starting to truly focus in on my health.  I can't exactly pinpoint why, but I think it started with my visit to the doctor about my knee a few weeks ago. Now that I have a serious health issue to care about, my health is starting to matter more than anything else.  If I do lose more weight, it'll be for the sake of my joints and not my self-esteem.  I'm going to start eating better and getting more consistent exercise, but for the sake of my heart and not any grand weight loss goals.  At least five people in my family have died from massive heart attacks at a relatively young age.  I really don't want to be the sixth.  And apparently my family also has a history of breast cancer.  So now I know where my priorities lie. 

In terms of eating, I'm going to try and get my grandma to let me do more of the cooking and shopping while I'm still living here.  If it's not a whole fruit, vegetable, grain, healthy fat or lean meat I'm not eating it.  And because life just seems to be so much easier when I'm consistent in my yoga practice, I'm committing to twenty minutes every day after I wake up.  I haven't been bellydancing lately in the interest of protecting my knee, but I'm going to talk to my former instructor and see what advice she can give me about making my practice safer for my joints.  I don't want to give up something that makes me as happy as bellydance if I can help it. 

So, to make sure I actually follow through with all these aspirations, I'll be posting more often here with what I've been eating and what yoga routines I've been doing.  I would looooove it if some of you jumped on the yoga bandwagon with me.  It does so much good for my body and mind, I wish I could force everyone in the world to try it.  Ooh, perhaps I'll become a yoga instructor and make money that way.  Interesting...

Introducing: To Earthward

Hello friends!

I have decided to start another blog.  This will be my third now - I am definitely addicted to blogging.  Being socially inept as I sometimes am, I have trouble expressing my emotions and thoughts aloud to other people.  I love that blogging lets me express what I have to say without the anxiety of having to get it out right on the first try.  I think "edit" is my new favorite word!

To Earthward

However, I don't plan on leaving The Act of Discovery behind unless you, my readers, move on.  As long as one of you is still following me, I'll keep posting.  I still want to keep thinking and learning about ways to be healthier, and my new blog really isn't the place for that. 


I went to the doctor this past Tuesday to have my knee checked out (finally!).  My doc made it clear that I would one day need knee surgery, but that a combination of naproxen, icing/heating, and coritsone injections would be able to put off surgery for quite a few years.  She also told me not to gain any weight, because each added pound would bring surgery from the distant future to the near future.  She did say I was a bit overweight, but not "excessively", which was nice to hear.  I even weighed in on their scale, fully clothed, at 200 pounds!  And while I was happy to see that number, it didn't give me an emotional high.  I think I've finally let go of the importance I used to assign to the scale.  It's a lovely feeling of freedom.

I should also say that my ex and I decided to get back together a couple of weeks ago.  I didn't want to say anything until I was sure it was real, haha, but it is!  I'm overjoyed, and making sure that I don't let my love for him overshadow my love for myself.  The long distance helps a bit with that, and I've also been trying to be more open with him about what I need/want.  Things are already better for me, and I'm much more comfortable with where I am emotionally than I was before.  I'm glad we had that little break, but now I'm really looking forward to our future together.  Unless I move across or out of the country, I don't see us ever leaving each other again.  : )

So, go check out my new blog if you like!  It is being hosted by WordPress, because I'm a total theme whore and they have a way bigger selection than Blogger.  <.<  But I hope you'll subscribe anyway, if you like what you read. 

Peace out, lovelies. 

Thoughts.

Beauty is not something that can be achieved or lost.  It is not a state of being - it is being.  It is pain and love, sunsets and sunrises.  It is the experience of learning, growing, then changing.  Life is not beautiful - life is beauty. 

Therefore, our outsides are not, in fact, outsides.  Beauty cannot be contained, for it permeates all things.  Once that is accepted, our physical bodies then become tools for experiencing beauty - that is to say, for experiencing life, others, and ourselves. 

We should not worry about wanting to feel beautiful.  We are the very essence of beauty regardless of the appearance of our tools.  Those who would judge the worth of a tool on its appearance rather than how well it functions will never know beauty.  They have closed their minds to learning, growth, and change.  They have closed their minds to life.

You are not like them. 

What I've Learned

...


This has been me lately.  I don't really have much to say.  I've seen a few followers quit my blog, which makes me immensely sad, but I understand completely.  I can't offer any advice, I have no healthy eating trials to share. I'm not contributing to the community here at all.  What's been going on in my head recently is almost all break-up talk.

I am working toward some goals, but my biggest ones aren't at all focused on eating.  And to be honest...I don't really mind.  I've been eating much better lately, and have been exercising almost every day because I'm not constantly trying to focus on it and make sure I'm doing "what I need to do".  I'm doing what I want to do.  Eating right and being active are things that are happening as I strive toward my biggest current goal:  loving and taking care of ME first, before anyone and anything else.  Now that I've had some time to reflectively explore my past relationship with my ex, I see just how much energy and intention I had been giving away to him.  How much I had been trying, in every moment and in every way, to make him as happy as possible so that he would give me the affirmation I've been craving all my life - the affirmation I never got from my mother.  Accordingly, I felt like the happier he was, the more effort I put into taking care of him, the more he would love me. 

I've been saying, in my own head and to others, that he was at fault.  That I deserved more from him - more attention, more emotional connection.  I've painted myself a victim, saying recently to a friend that even though I needed more, I was "just so happy to be loved, in any way".

And yes, I certainly deserved and needed more...but not from him.

I probably asked him about 48239748392 times throughout our 4.5 years together if he loved me, and when he said yes I would ask, "Why?".  He would answer me patiently each time, being careful not to say anything I might, from my warped perspective, view as unloving.  And even though I knew, rationally, that he loved me...I don't think I ever understood my need to ask "Why?" until now.  

Of course I've known for a long time that deep down I don't believe people when they say they care about me; that I have always, in any situation, sacrificed my own happiness or comfort to make others happier or more comfortable;  and that I have determined my self-worth based on my relationships with the people around me (as if I do not inherently have worth of any kind).  

But what I've learned from breaking up with my ex is that I do all those things listed above because, for all the love I do my best to give to other people, I keep none to give to myself.  If I asked my ex to go on a walk with me and he said "No, thanks", I would get a little upset.  I would have loved to go out for a walk, but because I wanted to make him happy I would continue to sit on the couch.  Really, I was upset with myself for caring about his happiness so much that I wouldn't foster my own happiness by doing what I really wanted to do.  I projected that onto him unfairly, making myself the supposed victim of his supposed inattention - as if by doing what would make me happy, I was making him unhappy. When really, I'm sure that it would have made him much happier to see me taking myself than spending all my effort trying to take care of him.  He did love me, after all. 

So now I understand that much of what I thought he was doing wrong to me was me doing wrong to myself.  I can't imagine how difficult it must have been sometimes for him to handle me, but I'm so glad that he at least tried.  I wouldn't be here learning to love myself if he hadn't loved me first.  Even though he often denied it when I told him, he really was wonderful to me.  I don't regret a single second of our relationship, or, for that matter, our breakup.

I'm taking this newfound clarity and using it to work toward my new goal:  making Erika happy.  I'm pursuing my interests, working on my photography, doing yoga, and practicing bellydance.  I'm eating well and taking care of myself.  I'm excited for the future, uncertain as it is.  Although, I have to say, I'm not sure what to do about this blog.  Would anybody even want to read about such a self-centered goal?  Maybe not.  But I would so hate to leave you guys behind...

While I figure out what's in store for The Act of Discovery, I hope to keep reading about your journies.  You guys are up to some super exciting stuff, and I've never been more grateful for the support you've given me in the past couple of years.  So I'll be back around...eventually. 


Have a lovely end to your Monday, friends.  : )

Tangent: On the Debt Crisis

I have posted this note to facebook and twitter, and I want you to read it too.

Dear friends,

When I first heard people talking about the debt crisis, I shrugged it off.  Like many people I know, I’ve grown tired of hearing about all the ways our leaders have not met our nation’s needs.  To me, it was just one more tally on our government’s scoreboard of failure.  However, I was curious.  I wondered what the fuss was all about, what exactly was going to happen if America was unable to pay its bills.  Knowing that the reality of any issue is never clear from one perspective alone, I began to read as many articles on the subject as I could from as many different perspectives as I could find.  And the reality of the debt crisis shocked me.

The reality is this:  if the people we elected to represent our interests in Congress cannot find a way to keep America’s bills paid, every American will suffer.  Those who rely on federal aid will find themselves unable to pay their own bills.  Interest rates on everything from credit cards to student loans will climb.  State governments, many of whose budgets include large amounts of federal money, will find themselves tumbling even further into the red.  This will ultimately mean more strain on Americans that are already struggling.

But I’m afraid those projected outcomes are too vague.  Even though President Obama explained all of this in his national address earlier this evening, I know there are many people (especially a number of Republicans in Congress) who still do not truly understand what a default would mean for American families, just as I didn’t know before this weekend.  So, in order to illuminate any doubts or uncertainties my peers may have about the immensity of the problem we face, I offer my own personal reality.  I want to explain what would happen to my family if Congress cannot find a way to solve this problem.

My mother, my father, my stepfather, and my grandparents all rely on Social Security benefits as their primary source of income.  My grandfather also receives a pension check that the government guaranteed he would get after the steel mill he worked in for more than thirty years went bankrupt.  My mom and stepdad are disabled due to medical conditions and are unable to work.  My father is mentally disabled and can only work certain low-wage jobs.  As it is, my loved ones are already living government check to government check, barely scraping by.  If America defaults, my family members will not be able to pay their rent or afford groceries.  My mother, my father, my stepfather, my grandparents, and my six year-old brother will starve if Republicans continue to refuse to compromise.  I myself am currently tens of thousands of dollars in debt to the federal government due to the direct loans I used to finance my college education.  If America defaults, the interest rates on my loans will jump, perhaps high enough to add years to my already decade-long repayment schedule (and I am a fortunate graduate - others may need twenty years or more to repay their loans).  And because I opted to work part-time while going to school full-time so that I did not have to accrue more debt, I sacrificed many career development opportunities that have left me unable to find a decent job with my Bachelor’s degree.  If America defaults and the economy stalls, my difficulty in finding a job will only multiply and I will be unable to provide for my loved ones at all.

The reality of the debt crisis is that if Republicans refuse to compromise, they will personally cause the complete destruction of my family and our well-being - and we will not be the only family destroyed.

I am furiously angry that the people who were elected to represent America’s interests would potentially allow the total devastation of American families like mine instead of backing down on their unreasonable demands for a so-called "cut, cap, and balance" solution to this crisis.  It is clear that serious reforms in many programs are needed in order to keep America’s debt from spiraling out of control, but this is not the time for irresponsible rigidity on that point.  I believe that the Republicans have been offered a solution that is as fair and balanced as possible given the current situation.  That solution, which requires the end of tax breaks for people who earn more than $250,000 per year, spreads the fallout of America’s financial acrobatics across the income board instead of concentrating the damage on those whose lives it would obliterate.

In response to President Obama, Speaker Boehner said that if the government is spending more money than it takes in, it needs to spend less of it.  That is only half the answer – the other half is increasing income.  As my family and others know all too well, it isn’t always enough to stop spending; sometimes you have to get a second job.  What the American people need is not a frightening and unwarranted stalemate in Congress.  We need for Republicans to be the leaders they were elected to be.  Right now, that means embracing sacrifice, just as so many of their constituents have to do every day of their lives.

If you find the impending ruin of American families at the hands of a few self-absorbed politicians with poor judgment and bad timing as offensive and disturbing as I do, I urge you to stand with me and do something about it.  I believe that we can make a difference if we try, and that if we don’t make an effort we are failing ourselves and each other.  Write letters, make phone calls, beat on your representative’s door.  Attack them with the strength of your voice until they have no choice but to hear your indignation.  Do not be apathetic, because democracy only works when citizens are engaged. Your inaction will let that group of Republicans keep their jobs.  But, if we all stand together and refuse to let them play ultimatum with our lives, they will soon know exactly what it feels like to be out of work, in debt, and out of hope.

 If there is a right time to act, it’s now.  Please try to make your voice heard, even if a default may not affect you the way it will affect me.  My mom, dad, stepdad, grandparents, and baby brother would greatly appreciate it.  And so would I.

With love,
Erika

Mission: Accomplished!

Hello friends!

I apologize for my ridiculous absence lately.  Between the stress of moving and breaking up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years, combined with more joblessness and financial woes, I had to let blogging take a backseat for a minute.  But I'm back, and with some excellent news.

As of this morning, for the first time in over four years, I finally weigh less than 200 pounds.  I weighed in this morning at 199.5, and I'm looking forward to seeing that number go down as my activity rises.

I am now residing in a little town outside of Louisville, KY.  The move has certainly made me depressed at times.  Although I try to stay as busy as I can, there a couple hours each day that I feel very down and hopeless.  Whenever I feel like this, I try to just sit down and sort out the emotions, cry if I need to, and then get a little activity in.  I've been doing yoga, going on walks, and I've started strength training again.  Knowing that I have all this opportunity to really take care of myself and focus on me, not my family or financial problems or my now ex-boyfriend, makes me really want to accomplish some goals.  Having at long last accomplished my Under 200 goal, I'm feeling much more optimistic about my future in Kentucky. 

My next goal is consistency.  Although I will be keeping an eye on my weight, I am mostly focusing on doing some kind of activity each day.  I'm resisting a scheduled workout plan - it would be setting myself up for failure because I know I'll feel guilty and upset if I'm not able to stick to it.  That's happened too many times this year already.  My goal is to move my body in some way for about half an hour each day and do strength training two times a week.  I feel it's a good place to start.  I'm lucky in that my grandparents' apartment is in a very residential area (and flat!), so I'm sure to be on my bike whenever the Kentucky heat allows me. 

And now it's time for me to go and find a job.  So I shall be back soon and I will do my best to catch up on all your lovely blogs!  Have a beautiful day!