Almost five months have passed since I last visited my blog, although I still check all of your guys's blogs every day. I can't say that I've been up to much or that I've made big changes in the way I eat or anything else. I still have two jobs (feeding fruit flies, working front desk at a hotel), I still struggle with finances, I still struggle with controlling my eating habits and food cravings, I still agonize over my future custody of my brother, I still forget to remind myself that I am worthy, and valued, and loved. I still don't know what I want to do with myself (law school's out, master's in sustainable agriculture might be in), and I'm still frustrated that I don't have it all planned out. I did join a gym at the budget-busting price of $40/month, and I still complain about it even though I know it's worth it. And even though I have the membership, I still fail to make time for exercise in my sometimes chaotic, always exhausting 45-50 hour work week. I still don't get enough sleep, still don't spend enough time with my boyfriend, and still wrestle with my impatient and impulsive nature.
But somehow, I find myself far happier with my life than I was last year or even at the time of my last post. I've recently spent a lot of time reflecting on my emotional growth. I told my boyfriend the other day that it's only in the past couple of years that my life has actually become about me and what I want instead of being about my family and what they need, want, and demand from me. I have grown from a girl who was depressed, angry, emotionally abused, and who used to beg God to kill her in her sleep so she wouldn't have to deal with any of it again into a woman who is happy, confident, enthusiastic about her future and knows her worth. That growth has taken me almost a decade, but I made it and I'm still growing. Some days are much, much harder to get through than others but I can look back to where I've come from and console myself with the knowledge that it can only get better because I finally love myself - impulsiveness, insecurities, belly rolls and all.
To be honest, losing weight hardly ever occupies my thoughts anymore because I know it will eventually happen as a result of the process of emotional healing I've been going through over the past few years. I know it will take time - every kind of change takes time. During the process, I have to work on being kind to myself. I may be tired and stressed, but I no longer call myself fat, lazy, or stupid. I may be hungry and rushed, but I know a Taco Bell quesadilla will make me feel sluggish and bloated whereas a salad from that restaurant that uses local food will make me feel energized and proud of myself. And even if there is a day where I choose Taco Bell over a salad, that doesn't make me a failure or a bad person. At most, it makes me human.
For me, happiness is going to stem from finding joy in growth, from embracing the process of change. And since it's always fun to end a blog post with a worn out cliche, I think we all need to remind ourselves from time to time that what's important isn't the destination - it's the journey.
With love, until we meet again,
Erika
5.27.2012
1.15.2012
Unlimited Groceries
Hi friends! I've found myself falling way off track with my goals this past week, and just last night I figured out why. Last week I was approved for food stamps. Not only does this free up a whole chunk of income that I can put toward other things, but it means I can go to the grocery store and buy literally whatever I want. If you've been following my blog for some time, you probably know that my absolute most favorite thing when it comes to food is being able to go to the store and buy whatever my hungry little heart desires. I think it comes from never having any good food in the house as a kid and always living paycheck to paycheck (or food stamps to food stamps, as it were). So, of course, I've been going to the store every other day and picking up whatever looks good. And while this makes me insanely happy, it's been ruining my diet. I no longer have to decide whether I should spend money on carrots or ice cream because I don't have to make that choice anymore. I can get both. And so, that's what I've been doing.
In the last week I've bought maybe two bags of vegetables. Instead of healthy food, I bought coffee cake, salted caramel truffle ice cream, a frozen hawaiian pizza, FIVE kinds of cheese (no joke - shredded cheddar, a block of organic sharp cheddar, crumbled gorgonzola, Mexican queso fresco, and sliced horseradish cheddar for sandwiches), bagels and cream cheese, falafel mix, oh my god the list goes on. Accordingly, since I have no extra real money, I've been eating all this terrible food for the past week. And we all know, when you eat like crap, you feel like crap, which means I haven't been doing any kind of exercise at all.
As the new week starts up, I'm trying to focus on getting back to the healthy food I know and love and not going crazy at the store. Just because I can buy it doesn't mean I should buy it, and I need to remember that. Whatever's in the house is what I have to eat, so I need to make sure I don't keep a lot of cheese and sweets and fats around. Also, I need to get moving again. It's hard when it's cold out and I just want to snuggle in my bed, but I have a whole exercise room at my disposal. I need to stop using it as a clothes hamper and use it for what I set it aside for: getting healthy.
I'll check in with you kids next week - have a good one!
In the last week I've bought maybe two bags of vegetables. Instead of healthy food, I bought coffee cake, salted caramel truffle ice cream, a frozen hawaiian pizza, FIVE kinds of cheese (no joke - shredded cheddar, a block of organic sharp cheddar, crumbled gorgonzola, Mexican queso fresco, and sliced horseradish cheddar for sandwiches), bagels and cream cheese, falafel mix, oh my god the list goes on. Accordingly, since I have no extra real money, I've been eating all this terrible food for the past week. And we all know, when you eat like crap, you feel like crap, which means I haven't been doing any kind of exercise at all.
As the new week starts up, I'm trying to focus on getting back to the healthy food I know and love and not going crazy at the store. Just because I can buy it doesn't mean I should buy it, and I need to remember that. Whatever's in the house is what I have to eat, so I need to make sure I don't keep a lot of cheese and sweets and fats around. Also, I need to get moving again. It's hard when it's cold out and I just want to snuggle in my bed, but I have a whole exercise room at my disposal. I need to stop using it as a clothes hamper and use it for what I set it aside for: getting healthy.
I'll check in with you kids next week - have a good one!
1.01.2012
*tap tap* Is this thing on?
According to Blogger, there are still 13 people following this blog. I don't think I ever had more than 15 followers, but if you guys are still out there, I want to say hi! What's up? How's your new year starting?
It's been almost four months since my last post. What have I been doing in that time? A lot, actually. I changed jobs twice and have settled nicely into a part-time gig breeding and feeding fruit flies for my university's biology department. I'm starting a second part-time job this week as a receptionist at the salon where I get my hair done (and I cut all my hair off a couple months ago - see pic below!). I moved into my own apartment in November and have been riding a seriously wacky financial roller coaster. I've been trying to handle my family's problems from afar, as always, and have recently decided that I want to go to law school!
All in all, I've spent the last four months getting my life in order. I'll spare you the details I usually go into, but I'm in a good place now. I've realized what isn't important (new clothes, eating out, controlling the lives of everyone I love) and what is important (my relationship with myself, supporting the people I love, being employed, having goals). And now that I've got all my big and pressing ducks in a row (more or less), it's time for me to get back to loving myself and taking care of my body.
I've spent a lot of time in the last four months thinking about what I want the rest of my life to be like, and I've decided two things: I want it to be long, and I want it to be good. Both of those things are entirely under my control and depend only upon the choices that I make. I've known that, in theory, for a long time. But now that I have a direction for my life (practicing human rights law) and no longer feel like I'm swinging aimlessly from whim to whim, I'm ready to turn my knowledge into action. I'm ready to make myself the woman I've always wanted to be.
I have a simple plan: treat myself right, every day. Do the things that my body needs and that I deserve: eat healthy foods, keep the fat and sugar to a minimum, get some kind of exercise every day, work through my emotional and psychological problems without relying on food to cope, never neglect myself to take care of someone else.
I'm honestly tearing up a little writing this post because it feels so good to know that it's okay and even necessary to put myself first, and it feels so good to know that I can achieve whatever I want for my life and health with just a little effort and planning. I can do anything I put my mind to. People have been telling me that my entire life, but it wasn't until the past couple of months that I deeply understood the power and freedom that gives me. I am capable. I can do anything I put my mind to.
So in order to keep myself reminded of my goals, I've been recording everything I eat. Not counting calories, just making sure I eat proper portion sizes and write everything down, even if I overeat (especially if I overeat). I've been keeping a separate Word document for each day and writing down not only what I ate, but how I felt and what kind of exercise I did. Separating one day from another in that manner really helps me focus on one day at a time, instead of feeling defeated by thinking about how one bad choice will derail me for the entire week or month. I do my best to record stuff as soon as I eat it so I don't forget, and I usually try and plan the next day's exercise ahead of time. When I moved into my apartment, I put my bed in the living room because it wouldn't fit in the bedroom, and I'm using the bedroom as an exercise room. I leave my yoga mat laid out all the time, decorated it with all my bellydance scarves on the walls as a reminder to use them, and leave my dumbbells stacked in plain sight so I remember I have them. One of my new goals is to keep that room clean at all times so I never have an excuse to not exercise. Oh, and when I moved back to Indiana, I left my scale in Kentucky. No more nerve-rattling weigh-ins for this girl. The number isn't important, my health is.
And even though I wasn't planning this to be a New Year's post, it almost feels like a sign from the universe that I feel this way on this day. This is going to be a great year for me, but only because I am choosing to make it so each and every day.
I don't know if I'll be blogging on a regular basis or what I'll post here. But this has been a great way for me to work through things in the past, and I see myself needing it this year. So if you guys are still out there, thank you for not unfollowing me, and I hope you get something out of my posts.
Happy New Year, everyone. : )
It's been almost four months since my last post. What have I been doing in that time? A lot, actually. I changed jobs twice and have settled nicely into a part-time gig breeding and feeding fruit flies for my university's biology department. I'm starting a second part-time job this week as a receptionist at the salon where I get my hair done (and I cut all my hair off a couple months ago - see pic below!). I moved into my own apartment in November and have been riding a seriously wacky financial roller coaster. I've been trying to handle my family's problems from afar, as always, and have recently decided that I want to go to law school!
All in all, I've spent the last four months getting my life in order. I'll spare you the details I usually go into, but I'm in a good place now. I've realized what isn't important (new clothes, eating out, controlling the lives of everyone I love) and what is important (my relationship with myself, supporting the people I love, being employed, having goals). And now that I've got all my big and pressing ducks in a row (more or less), it's time for me to get back to loving myself and taking care of my body.
I've spent a lot of time in the last four months thinking about what I want the rest of my life to be like, and I've decided two things: I want it to be long, and I want it to be good. Both of those things are entirely under my control and depend only upon the choices that I make. I've known that, in theory, for a long time. But now that I have a direction for my life (practicing human rights law) and no longer feel like I'm swinging aimlessly from whim to whim, I'm ready to turn my knowledge into action. I'm ready to make myself the woman I've always wanted to be.
I have a simple plan: treat myself right, every day. Do the things that my body needs and that I deserve: eat healthy foods, keep the fat and sugar to a minimum, get some kind of exercise every day, work through my emotional and psychological problems without relying on food to cope, never neglect myself to take care of someone else.
I'm honestly tearing up a little writing this post because it feels so good to know that it's okay and even necessary to put myself first, and it feels so good to know that I can achieve whatever I want for my life and health with just a little effort and planning. I can do anything I put my mind to. People have been telling me that my entire life, but it wasn't until the past couple of months that I deeply understood the power and freedom that gives me. I am capable. I can do anything I put my mind to.
So in order to keep myself reminded of my goals, I've been recording everything I eat. Not counting calories, just making sure I eat proper portion sizes and write everything down, even if I overeat (especially if I overeat). I've been keeping a separate Word document for each day and writing down not only what I ate, but how I felt and what kind of exercise I did. Separating one day from another in that manner really helps me focus on one day at a time, instead of feeling defeated by thinking about how one bad choice will derail me for the entire week or month. I do my best to record stuff as soon as I eat it so I don't forget, and I usually try and plan the next day's exercise ahead of time. When I moved into my apartment, I put my bed in the living room because it wouldn't fit in the bedroom, and I'm using the bedroom as an exercise room. I leave my yoga mat laid out all the time, decorated it with all my bellydance scarves on the walls as a reminder to use them, and leave my dumbbells stacked in plain sight so I remember I have them. One of my new goals is to keep that room clean at all times so I never have an excuse to not exercise. Oh, and when I moved back to Indiana, I left my scale in Kentucky. No more nerve-rattling weigh-ins for this girl. The number isn't important, my health is.
And even though I wasn't planning this to be a New Year's post, it almost feels like a sign from the universe that I feel this way on this day. This is going to be a great year for me, but only because I am choosing to make it so each and every day.
I don't know if I'll be blogging on a regular basis or what I'll post here. But this has been a great way for me to work through things in the past, and I see myself needing it this year. So if you guys are still out there, thank you for not unfollowing me, and I hope you get something out of my posts.
Happy New Year, everyone. : )
9.09.2011
It Just Took a Choice
Over the past few days, I've been fighting some serious depression. I've been extremely overwhelmed by being in Kentucky with little income, no friends, and no way to accomplish what I want. If I didn't have my boyfriend to talk to, I would honestly be a lump in my bed made soggy by all the tears I've cried recently. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but it's true. Even at a distance, I'm lucky to have him. I need to stop making assumptions about him. My general life experiences have led me to expect the worst from people, and I seem to forget that he's not just any person in my life - he's my boyfriend, he loves me, and he wants to help me. I nervously and anxiously asked him if I could stay with him in Bloomington, but made sure he knew I wouldn't be able to contribute toward rent, utilities...anything, really. My income is that low right now. But he still said yes, when I expected him to say no. Because he loves me and wants to help me. So now that I have a place to stay in the town where I want to live, I've asked for a transfer at work from my store to the Bloomington store. It'll take a few weeks, but I'm confident it'll happen because I'm a good server and I'm sure much of the Btown staff has limited hours because of school being on again.
SO. I'm happier today. I woke up depressed, but I made a choice to leave my depression in bed and continue my day without it. I made myself a (relatively) healthy breakfast, and now I'm going to get some exercise. I'm thinking yoga and maybe some weights exercises to rebuild strength in my legs and therefore help my knee. The healthier my knee is, the more bellydancing I can do, and there is no activity on earth that makes me happier or keeps up my optimism and self-worth more than dancing.
I have to admit, making that choice was hard. I know the last post I made was about not eating crap and getting exercise, but I haven't done it yet. I've sort of been mentally working up to it, I think, working on accepting the idea of change (even if it is a small change). But today I'm ready to go. There's no point in lamenting over my eating this past week or worrying about whether I'll be able to keep exercising and eating right in the days to come. My choices on this day matter, in the time between waking and sleeping. Nothing else.
Simple and easy, just the way I like it.
SO. I'm happier today. I woke up depressed, but I made a choice to leave my depression in bed and continue my day without it. I made myself a (relatively) healthy breakfast, and now I'm going to get some exercise. I'm thinking yoga and maybe some weights exercises to rebuild strength in my legs and therefore help my knee. The healthier my knee is, the more bellydancing I can do, and there is no activity on earth that makes me happier or keeps up my optimism and self-worth more than dancing.
I have to admit, making that choice was hard. I know the last post I made was about not eating crap and getting exercise, but I haven't done it yet. I've sort of been mentally working up to it, I think, working on accepting the idea of change (even if it is a small change). But today I'm ready to go. There's no point in lamenting over my eating this past week or worrying about whether I'll be able to keep exercising and eating right in the days to come. My choices on this day matter, in the time between waking and sleeping. Nothing else.
Simple and easy, just the way I like it.
9.04.2011
Weight Loss Smweight Loss
Lately, I've been very much anti-effort when it comes to my eating. I've read a couple of studies in respected health journals about how the types of foods eaten when trying to lose weight really don't matter - it's the amount of food that is most important. So, I've been slacking off on making sure I get my veggies and fruits and whole grains in. My weight is going slowly down because I'm still eating less, and I'm comfortable with the pace.
Actually, I have to say that losing weight has really not been a priority for me in the past month. I just don't seem to care as much as I once did about the size of my body. More and more, I'm finding myself very comfortable with the way I look and the idea of fitting into smaller clothes or wearing a bikini has almost entirely lost its appeal. I just don't care about it anymore. I haven't stepped on the scale, even out of curiosity, in weeks.
Instead, I'm starting to truly focus in on my health. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but I think it started with my visit to the doctor about my knee a few weeks ago. Now that I have a serious health issue to care about, my health is starting to matter more than anything else. If I do lose more weight, it'll be for the sake of my joints and not my self-esteem. I'm going to start eating better and getting more consistent exercise, but for the sake of my heart and not any grand weight loss goals. At least five people in my family have died from massive heart attacks at a relatively young age. I really don't want to be the sixth. And apparently my family also has a history of breast cancer. So now I know where my priorities lie.
In terms of eating, I'm going to try and get my grandma to let me do more of the cooking and shopping while I'm still living here. If it's not a whole fruit, vegetable, grain, healthy fat or lean meat I'm not eating it. And because life just seems to be so much easier when I'm consistent in my yoga practice, I'm committing to twenty minutes every day after I wake up. I haven't been bellydancing lately in the interest of protecting my knee, but I'm going to talk to my former instructor and see what advice she can give me about making my practice safer for my joints. I don't want to give up something that makes me as happy as bellydance if I can help it.
So, to make sure I actually follow through with all these aspirations, I'll be posting more often here with what I've been eating and what yoga routines I've been doing. I would looooove it if some of you jumped on the yoga bandwagon with me. It does so much good for my body and mind, I wish I could force everyone in the world to try it. Ooh, perhaps I'll become a yoga instructor and make money that way. Interesting...
Actually, I have to say that losing weight has really not been a priority for me in the past month. I just don't seem to care as much as I once did about the size of my body. More and more, I'm finding myself very comfortable with the way I look and the idea of fitting into smaller clothes or wearing a bikini has almost entirely lost its appeal. I just don't care about it anymore. I haven't stepped on the scale, even out of curiosity, in weeks.
Instead, I'm starting to truly focus in on my health. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but I think it started with my visit to the doctor about my knee a few weeks ago. Now that I have a serious health issue to care about, my health is starting to matter more than anything else. If I do lose more weight, it'll be for the sake of my joints and not my self-esteem. I'm going to start eating better and getting more consistent exercise, but for the sake of my heart and not any grand weight loss goals. At least five people in my family have died from massive heart attacks at a relatively young age. I really don't want to be the sixth. And apparently my family also has a history of breast cancer. So now I know where my priorities lie.
In terms of eating, I'm going to try and get my grandma to let me do more of the cooking and shopping while I'm still living here. If it's not a whole fruit, vegetable, grain, healthy fat or lean meat I'm not eating it. And because life just seems to be so much easier when I'm consistent in my yoga practice, I'm committing to twenty minutes every day after I wake up. I haven't been bellydancing lately in the interest of protecting my knee, but I'm going to talk to my former instructor and see what advice she can give me about making my practice safer for my joints. I don't want to give up something that makes me as happy as bellydance if I can help it.
So, to make sure I actually follow through with all these aspirations, I'll be posting more often here with what I've been eating and what yoga routines I've been doing. I would looooove it if some of you jumped on the yoga bandwagon with me. It does so much good for my body and mind, I wish I could force everyone in the world to try it. Ooh, perhaps I'll become a yoga instructor and make money that way. Interesting...
8.26.2011
Introducing: To Earthward
Hello friends!
I have decided to start another blog. This will be my third now - I am definitely addicted to blogging. Being socially inept as I sometimes am, I have trouble expressing my emotions and thoughts aloud to other people. I love that blogging lets me express what I have to say without the anxiety of having to get it out right on the first try. I think "edit" is my new favorite word!
To Earthward
However, I don't plan on leaving The Act of Discovery behind unless you, my readers, move on. As long as one of you is still following me, I'll keep posting. I still want to keep thinking and learning about ways to be healthier, and my new blog really isn't the place for that.
I went to the doctor this past Tuesday to have my knee checked out (finally!). My doc made it clear that I would one day need knee surgery, but that a combination of naproxen, icing/heating, and coritsone injections would be able to put off surgery for quite a few years. She also told me not to gain any weight, because each added pound would bring surgery from the distant future to the near future. She did say I was a bit overweight, but not "excessively", which was nice to hear. I even weighed in on their scale, fully clothed, at 200 pounds! And while I was happy to see that number, it didn't give me an emotional high. I think I've finally let go of the importance I used to assign to the scale. It's a lovely feeling of freedom.
I should also say that my ex and I decided to get back together a couple of weeks ago. I didn't want to say anything until I was sure it was real, haha, but it is! I'm overjoyed, and making sure that I don't let my love for him overshadow my love for myself. The long distance helps a bit with that, and I've also been trying to be more open with him about what I need/want. Things are already better for me, and I'm much more comfortable with where I am emotionally than I was before. I'm glad we had that little break, but now I'm really looking forward to our future together. Unless I move across or out of the country, I don't see us ever leaving each other again. : )
So, go check out my new blog if you like! It is being hosted by WordPress, because I'm a total theme whore and they have a way bigger selection than Blogger. <.< But I hope you'll subscribe anyway, if you like what you read.
Peace out, lovelies.
I have decided to start another blog. This will be my third now - I am definitely addicted to blogging. Being socially inept as I sometimes am, I have trouble expressing my emotions and thoughts aloud to other people. I love that blogging lets me express what I have to say without the anxiety of having to get it out right on the first try. I think "edit" is my new favorite word!
To Earthward
However, I don't plan on leaving The Act of Discovery behind unless you, my readers, move on. As long as one of you is still following me, I'll keep posting. I still want to keep thinking and learning about ways to be healthier, and my new blog really isn't the place for that.
I went to the doctor this past Tuesday to have my knee checked out (finally!). My doc made it clear that I would one day need knee surgery, but that a combination of naproxen, icing/heating, and coritsone injections would be able to put off surgery for quite a few years. She also told me not to gain any weight, because each added pound would bring surgery from the distant future to the near future. She did say I was a bit overweight, but not "excessively", which was nice to hear. I even weighed in on their scale, fully clothed, at 200 pounds! And while I was happy to see that number, it didn't give me an emotional high. I think I've finally let go of the importance I used to assign to the scale. It's a lovely feeling of freedom.
I should also say that my ex and I decided to get back together a couple of weeks ago. I didn't want to say anything until I was sure it was real, haha, but it is! I'm overjoyed, and making sure that I don't let my love for him overshadow my love for myself. The long distance helps a bit with that, and I've also been trying to be more open with him about what I need/want. Things are already better for me, and I'm much more comfortable with where I am emotionally than I was before. I'm glad we had that little break, but now I'm really looking forward to our future together. Unless I move across or out of the country, I don't see us ever leaving each other again. : )
So, go check out my new blog if you like! It is being hosted by WordPress, because I'm a total theme whore and they have a way bigger selection than Blogger. <.< But I hope you'll subscribe anyway, if you like what you read.
Peace out, lovelies.
8.23.2011
Thoughts.
Beauty is not something that can be achieved or lost. It is not a state of being - it is being. It is pain and love, sunsets and sunrises. It is the experience of learning, growing, then changing. Life is not beautiful - life is beauty.
Therefore, our outsides are not, in fact, outsides. Beauty cannot be contained, for it permeates all things. Once that is accepted, our physical bodies then become tools for experiencing beauty - that is to say, for experiencing life, others, and ourselves.
We should not worry about wanting to feel beautiful. We are the very essence of beauty regardless of the appearance of our tools. Those who would judge the worth of a tool on its appearance rather than how well it functions will never know beauty. They have closed their minds to learning, growth, and change. They have closed their minds to life.
You are not like them.
Therefore, our outsides are not, in fact, outsides. Beauty cannot be contained, for it permeates all things. Once that is accepted, our physical bodies then become tools for experiencing beauty - that is to say, for experiencing life, others, and ourselves.
We should not worry about wanting to feel beautiful. We are the very essence of beauty regardless of the appearance of our tools. Those who would judge the worth of a tool on its appearance rather than how well it functions will never know beauty. They have closed their minds to learning, growth, and change. They have closed their minds to life.
You are not like them.
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