It Just Took a Choice

Over the past few days, I've been fighting some serious depression.  I've been extremely overwhelmed by being in Kentucky with little income, no friends, and no way to accomplish what I want.  If I didn't have my boyfriend to talk to, I would honestly be a lump in my bed made soggy by all the tears I've cried recently.  I know that sounds a little dramatic, but it's true.  Even at a distance, I'm lucky to have him.  I need to stop making assumptions about him.  My general life experiences have led me to expect the worst from people, and I seem to forget that he's not just any person in my life - he's my boyfriend, he loves me, and he wants to help me.  I nervously and anxiously asked him if I could stay with him in Bloomington, but made sure he knew I wouldn't be able to contribute toward rent, utilities...anything, really.  My income is that low right now.  But he still said yes, when I expected him to say no.  Because he loves me and wants to help me.  So now that I have a place to stay in the town where I want to live, I've asked for a transfer at work from my store to the Bloomington store.  It'll take a few weeks, but I'm confident it'll happen because I'm a good server and I'm sure much of the Btown staff has limited hours because of school being on again. 

SO.  I'm happier today.  I woke up depressed, but I made a choice to leave my depression in bed and continue my day without it.  I made myself a (relatively) healthy breakfast, and now I'm going to get some exercise.  I'm thinking yoga and maybe some weights exercises to rebuild strength in my legs and therefore help my knee.  The healthier my knee is, the more bellydancing I can do, and there is no activity on earth that makes me happier or keeps up my optimism and self-worth more than dancing.

I have to admit, making that choice was hard.  I know the last post I made was about not eating crap and getting exercise, but I haven't done it yet.  I've sort of been mentally working up to it, I think, working on accepting the idea of change (even if it is a small change).  But today I'm ready to go.  There's no point in lamenting over my eating this past week or worrying about whether I'll be able to keep exercising and eating right in the days to come.  My choices on this day matter, in the time between waking and sleeping.  Nothing else. 

Simple and easy, just the way I like it. 

Weight Loss Smweight Loss

Lately, I've been very much anti-effort when it comes to my eating.  I've read a couple of studies in respected health journals about how the types of foods eaten when trying to lose weight really don't matter - it's the amount of food that is most important.  So, I've been slacking off on making sure I get my veggies and fruits and whole grains in.  My weight is going slowly down because I'm still eating less, and I'm comfortable with the pace. 

Actually, I have to say that losing weight has really not been a priority for me in the past month.  I just don't seem to care as much as I once did about the size of my body.  More and more, I'm finding myself very comfortable with the way I look and the idea of fitting into smaller clothes or wearing a bikini has almost entirely lost its appeal.  I just don't care about it anymore.  I haven't stepped on the scale, even out of curiosity, in weeks.

Instead, I'm starting to truly focus in on my health.  I can't exactly pinpoint why, but I think it started with my visit to the doctor about my knee a few weeks ago. Now that I have a serious health issue to care about, my health is starting to matter more than anything else.  If I do lose more weight, it'll be for the sake of my joints and not my self-esteem.  I'm going to start eating better and getting more consistent exercise, but for the sake of my heart and not any grand weight loss goals.  At least five people in my family have died from massive heart attacks at a relatively young age.  I really don't want to be the sixth.  And apparently my family also has a history of breast cancer.  So now I know where my priorities lie. 

In terms of eating, I'm going to try and get my grandma to let me do more of the cooking and shopping while I'm still living here.  If it's not a whole fruit, vegetable, grain, healthy fat or lean meat I'm not eating it.  And because life just seems to be so much easier when I'm consistent in my yoga practice, I'm committing to twenty minutes every day after I wake up.  I haven't been bellydancing lately in the interest of protecting my knee, but I'm going to talk to my former instructor and see what advice she can give me about making my practice safer for my joints.  I don't want to give up something that makes me as happy as bellydance if I can help it. 

So, to make sure I actually follow through with all these aspirations, I'll be posting more often here with what I've been eating and what yoga routines I've been doing.  I would looooove it if some of you jumped on the yoga bandwagon with me.  It does so much good for my body and mind, I wish I could force everyone in the world to try it.  Ooh, perhaps I'll become a yoga instructor and make money that way.  Interesting...