Hey ladies! I apologize for being pretty absent lately. I haven't been particularly busy or more stressed than I already was, I've just been taking some time to make decisions and work as much as I can.
I've been trying hard to adjust my attitude toward positivity, and I think this whole don't-cut-yourself-down thing is finally taking hold. I've been focusing on what I like about me, and reframing negative thoughts (isn't that a Weight Watchers tool? Thanks for saving me some dough, Christie :P). It's definitely helping me eat better, move more, and it's taken the edge off my stress enough that I've found a new coping mechanism to use in place of food: crying.
I know that sounds a little counterintuitive - how in the world could CRYING ever make me feel better or less stressed? Well, my entire life I've avoided crying. I was often told as a child "You don't need to cry about it!" in reference to physical injury, emotional pain, and almost anything else. So I internalized my feelings and developed a habit of overeating when I was upset. I actually used to pride myself on the fact that I NEVER cried (before I was depressed). In high school (when I got depressed), I used to tell people that I hadn't cried for years even when I would go home and cry in the shower almost every day. Crying was too visible an expression of my pain - I didn't want anybody to see how much I was hurting because I didn't want to hear that I was weak or not good enough. I dreaded being comforted by relatives because them reaching out to me just reeked of hypocrisy - how could the people who made me feel like shit in the first place think that their comfort would help me? Of course, I was an angsty teen back then and now I certainly know that nobody ever made me feel like shit on purpose (and since I never told anybody, they never knew how I felt). So when I couldn't cry in private, I ate in public. It was so easy to spin it and make people think I was okay. I could say, "Oh, I love donuts! I'll have two!" and people would think I was double happy. But I was really hoping that if I ate something I loved I would feel better.
Now I know that eating never makes me feel better. It just makes me feel worse and say terrible things to myself. So although I've always had this aversion to crying, I've realized lately how much it helps. And since I'm home alone all day while my boyfriend's at work, I can just cry and cry and let my stress out without anybody asking questions about it and making me feel awkward. It's almost kind of...nice. I can just sit on the couch with a box of kleenex, work through my stress, and cry it out. When I calm down I take a shower and try to work out solutions for my problems. Once I get my emotions out of the way, life's ups and downs become much easier to navigate.
So, between the crying and the positive self-talk, I'm happy to report I'm back down to 201! Yaaay! I'm feeling optimistic about losing more weight and finally, finally reaching the golden streets of Onederland. I know it will happen soon. Like a cleansing downpour, I can feel it coming.
To depart, I leave you with an adorable picture of me and my oh-so-serious li'l bro that I took when I was home last month. Ain't he just the cutest? : )