Almost Entirely Not Health-Related

I apologize in advance for this ridiculous post. I'm really suffering right now, and since I have no money to put on my prepaid phone and thus can't call anybody to cry on their shoulder from a distance, I have to let my feelings out here.

I'm sure I've talked about how broke I am / my one-job-but-it's-not-enough situation here.  I work two days a week at my favorite restaurant in town, and I love that job.  But I make less than 80 dollars a week, and have rent, credit card payments, utility bills, and other things to pay.  The past few weeks have been really hard on me.   I've had to borrow ridiculous amount of money from my loving family.  None of them have ANY money to spare, and I feel so, so awful every time I have to call with another request to help me with rent.  They always help me, but having to ask and knowing that them helping me means they can't pay their own bills makes me sick.  And since I can't afford to put more minutes on my phone, I can ONLY call to ask for money, which makes me feel even worse.  In the past month and a half I've had to borrow upwards of $700 (and I intend with every molecule in my body to pay it all back). 

I can't find a second job.  I've put in at least fifteen applications around town and sent out three resumes to companies that are hiring for positions I qualify for.  My major credit card payment is two months over due, and they've been calling me nonstop (but I can't answer to work something out, because there's no money on my phone).  My lease is up at the end of July, my grandparents are moving to Kentucky, and I haven't found a real job/have no money to save so I can't afford to move OUT of my apartment, much less into a new one.  My boyfriend doesn't want to stay together.  I have nowhere to go, and literally no options.

Every time my life starts to work right, shit like this happens.  And yes, I made the decision to quit my job at the beginning of last semester even though it paid really well. It was so stressful, and I wanted to be HAPPY, not stressed all the time.  Now I feel like I'm being punished for wanting to be in a healthy mindset.  Although I've finished college (a major achievement), my BA in Anthropology is pretty much useless.  And since I had to work all through school, I didn't have the time to gain any leadership experience with outside organizations, do an internship, or volunteer much at all - all those things that employers look for.  So I also feel punished for going to school for something I loved to learn about, because even though I have a degree I can't get a job.  I'm nearly $30,000 in debt and that number just keeps growing and growing with every week I don't find a second job. To make matters worse, I spilled a full glass of juice on my computer night before last and now it won't turn on (currently using the boyfriend's). 

Depression has hit me hard.  I think I've cried every day this week, and I never let myself do that.  This morning I could feel myself giving into it, giving up on everything.  Even eating right.  I had a bowl of cheerios with THREE heaping tablespoons of sugar, just because I felt like eating right didn't matter any more.  But I have lost a little weight (back down to 202-203), so I thought maybe I would go to this store Maurice's in the mall, where I have a store credit card, and let myself buy two new things to cheer myself up a little, to make me feel like at least my efforts to be healthier haven't failed.  I found a pair of shorts I loved and a summer dress I felt comfortable wearing without a bra (which would be SO nice to wear).  I handed over my Maurice's credit card, but it was declined.

Declined.  HOW?  I hadn't used it in almost six months!  SIX MONTHS.  The sales girl called customer service and they said that LAST NOVEMBER I was two months behind on my payments.  That's true, I said, but I paid off that balance in full as soon as I remembered I was behind.  Customer service lady said it didn't matter.  Because I was late they had taken my credit back down to $0 so I couldn't get anything. I asked if I could get a credit increase now that it was SIX MONTHS LATER, but she said no.

Why?  My income's not high enough.

I lost it.  I all but ran out of the mall and by the time I got to my car I was sobbing.  I cried all the way home.  I'm still crying, right now.  I don't want to sound like a five year-old here, but how is any of this fair?  I have worked SO HARD to improve myself, to be independent, to help myself be a happier person.  And every time I get ahead, money bites me in my pasty white ass.  Money is literally the only thing wrong with my life.  How fucking ridiculous is it that BILLS are preventing me from being happy and reaching my goals?  It's total bullshit.  And all I can do is sit in my apartment and cry about it.

But there is something I CAN control.  I can control what I eat and when I exercise.  I have equipment here at home - I don't need to pay to go to the gym.  Our kitchen is stocked with fruits and veggies.  I'm going to do my best to hold on to that fact and manage my health even if I can't manage my finances.

Deep breaths, Self.  It'll be okay.