Normally on this blog I refrain from speaking the way I usually do (ie, with a lot of expletives) and I generally adopt a more positive tone than usual. I do this for a couple reasons. I don't want to offend anybody with my language and if I write in a more positive tone, even if I don't feel it, it helps me to think more positively.
But I think it gives you, my lovely readers, the wrong idea of how/who I really am. Sometimes I blind myself to how I really am by writing this blog, and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm tired of presenting one persona to the external world and another to myself, no matter how little difference there may be between them. I just want to be me. This healthiness journey has to be one of self-acceptance before it can be one of change, so please allow me to engage in some real talk, for at least this post.
I don't understand why it's so goddamn hard for me to do this thing, this eat-right-exercise-lots-lose-weight thing. The thing that kills me is it's not hard now like it used to be. I know what I need to do (eat only when hungry, exercise at least three times a week, no sugar no cheese no pop) and I'm tired of making excuses for not doing it. Yes, I am a little afraid of how it might change my life but I know it needs to happen. Do I want diabetes, heart disease, and arthritic joints? Fuck no. I have to lose this weight. It must happen.
I'm pissed off with myself that I'm not making it a priority. I'm pissed off with myself that I'm more afraid of change than I am of the aforementioned health disasters. It's bullshit, and I am certainly worth more than bullshit.
I've realized that living with my boyfriend has turned out to be a huge roadblock for this weight loss. I have always been a people pleaser, and part of that means doing what everybody else does so that I'll fit in/be liked/whatever. My boyfriend doesn't feel the overwhelming need to lose weight like I do and therefore doesn't want to eat only healthy foods or get exercise every day. And whatever he does (or doesn't do), I'll generally do too. He's certainly supportive of my desire to be healthy, but it would be so. much. easier. for me if he jumped on the bandwagon with me. But I can't make him want what he doesn't want and it would be stupid of me to try, so I need to get over it. I need to learn to say no - no, I don't want that pizza; no, I won't sit on the couch all night and watch Netflix; no, I won't buy those cookies because if they're in the apartment I'm absolutely going to eat them.
What I want is to get down to a healthy weight and ask myself, "Self, did you seriously put in all that work to lose weight and change your life?" and be able to answer, "FUCK YEAH I did! I'm so fucking awesome!"
I want to be proud of myself. I am seriously fucking tired of constantly letting myself down. I want to discover what it feels like to accomplish my goals, and I want that act of discovery to change my life. It's about damn time I did it already.