The Sweet Spot

I've come to realize something over the past couple of days spent at home, bored, waiting to be called for a job and hoping to not be called by the credit card people.  I've been feeling down lately about this whole weight loss thing.  Looking at my past "performance", so to speak, all I was seeing was that I lost a few pounds, gained it all (or more) back, lost it again, gained it back, lost a little more, gained, and so on and so forth.  I was thinking, "Why am I doing this?  Why do I try again every day or week just to have the same cycle of loss and gain happen?"  I chided myself for not working out enough, for being lax in my eating, for not wanting it enough to make it happen faster.

But I've come to realize that I have made a difference in my life.  I've lost nearly fifteen pounds since this time last summer, and I know in the deepest part of my heart and mind that I will never go back to 216.  I won't let that happen.  It really just is not an option in my head.  This morning I weighed in at 202.5, and got upset because I was hoping to be back to 201.5.  But the number doesn't matter.  The loss matters.  The fact that even when life had gotten to be too much and my old habits took over I was still able to recover, to take the weight back off (and in a pretty timely manner, I think). 

Of course I'm going to gain weight back sometimes.  Shit happens.  But what I want, what I started this new blog for, is to change the way I think about my weight.  To address the underlying emotional issues, to find that sweet spot where eating and life, with all its shit, are in balance.  And that's what I've done.  That's the difference I've made.  The number doesn't matter.  What matters is that I now eat about five servings of fruits more per week than I did last summer.   That I eat about six or seven more servings of veggies per week than I used to.  That I have kept my weight off (save for those five pounds of wiggle room), and that I have changed my habits.  While I still feel the need to seek out less-than-healthy food when I'm upset, I'm now able to limit my intake to one cookie or such.  Yesterday, when I was so, so emotionally wrecked, the worst thing I ate was a falafel from work.  And I even had intentions of going home to make something healthy, but was starving and already downtown so I decided it was okay.  Because that's life.  Give and take. 

I am not a failure.  I'm a success.  I'm doing this, as slowly as I need to so that my habits can fall in line with the way I want to live my life.  I am making changes every day.   And if I only lose fifteen pounds by the next summer, then so be it, because I can guarantee that my mind and my response to food will be completely different.

I think I've found my life's sweet spot.  And now that I see it, I couldn't be happier to be here.

So here's to my success, to your success, and to all of us doing this together.  Because I know I couldn't have made it here without your support and friendship, and I won't be able to keep going without you either.  I once thought I didn't need this community, and I have never been more wrong about anything in my entire life.

I promise to be more present and supportive to all of you like you have been for me.  And I want to thank you for being the biggest part of my success.  : )

Have a beautiful day, everyone.  <3

The Summer Lovin' Challenge / The Puppet Master

So, my dear and lovely readers, hello!  There are seven of you now!  When I saw it the other day I nearly fainted.  SEVEN people in the world want to hear what I have to say.  I love it.  A big hello to the newbies, and I hope I don't let you down. 


That being said, let's talk about the Summer Lovin' Challenge, the brainchild of the beautiful and engaging Alexia over at Dimple Snatcher.  Alexia blogs about healthy, balanced living (no wonder I like her so much...) and has been a great inspiration to me in my times of difficulty.  I believe we started blogging around the same time, and have both come to the conclusion that the numbers game just doesn't work - that weight loss is, as she puts it, a "byproduct of healthy living".  You can read about her philosophy here. 

So the Summer Lovin' Challenge is an eight-week beast in which we are all vowing to establish healthy habits.  We are starting on Wednesday (yes, in two days) and will update about our challenge progress every Wednesday for four weeks, evaluate our progress and make the necessary changes, and then continue for another four weeks.  Click the Summer Lovin' Challenge link to read the details (and follow Dimple Snatcher!) and then get on board! 

I'm thrilled about this, kids.  It could not have come at a more perfect time.  This past week has been rough for me.  I don't know if my boyfriend reads this or not...but I'm going to go ahead and explain things anyway.  A few months ago, we decided we would break up at the end of summer.  I was okay with it as we were both on the same page.  I thought I knew what I wanted, and a long distance relationship certainly wasn't a part of it.  But then after all that shit with my mom went down, I realized how important our relationship has been to me.  How important he has been to my happiness.  But, I can't stay in Indiana.  I have the opportunity to get out, and for my own sake I have to take it.  Even so, I decided I wanted to do the long distance thing.  We've done it before and always made it through okay.  I suggested it, and he said no.  I completely understand and respect the reasons why he doesn't want to, but still...now that all I want is to stay together and he wants to call it quits, I've been experiencing some emotional backlash.  It has, of course, been making me eat terribly. 

And you know, it's funny.  I always think I have things settled in what I like to believe is my reasonable and sane mind, so I never connect emotional pain with overeating while I'm overeating.  It's only after I feel tired and sick after days of eating the worst food that I finally see why it started:  because I'm hurting.  And sometimes, when you just have to tough it out and feel the hurt until it just stops hurting, those are the times I really struggle with making healthy changes.  The pain is there, just out of sight, controlling me - a puppet master manipulating the self-unaware marionette of bad decisions that I become.

So my most important personal goal for the Summer Lovin' Challenge is awareness, current and preemptive.  Current awareness in that I want to be aware of each piece of food I put in my mouth, how it will make me feel physically, how it will make me feel emotionally.  Preemptive awareness in being mindful of the things I've learned this year:  that I will eat, no matter what, when inside I feel like crying; that doubting my power over my choices only empowers my self-doubt; that I deserve my love and attention just as much as anyone else.  To let those unhealthy habits be present in my mind when my hand brings food to my mouth so that current awareness can kick in and do the rest.

That's all for me today- I've got lots of homework to get to - but I hope you guys will all get over to Dimple Snatcher and join the Summer Lovin' Challenge!  Do it now!

I can't move...

...because I RAN A MILE yesterday!  In parts, admittedly, BUT HOLY CRAP A WHOLE MILE.  I did the first half a mile straight through before I had to stop and walk (remember that bra/breathing/knee problem thing?  yeah).  And then I would walk at a fast pace for a song or so then run two tenths of a mile, walk again, run again, walk again, run again.  I was on the treadmill for a total of 35 minutes.  I have no idea how many calories I burned, but to be honest I really don't care.  I'm just so damn proud of myself.  I can't wait until I'm able to do a mile straight through.  And then two miles!  And then maybe a 5K, *squee*!  I have never, ever been able to run a mile.  I remember being humiliated in middle school because they made us do it and I was the last kid off the track and walked most of it.  It took me over fifteen minutes or something ridiculous like that.  Now I obviously am much slower than that now (I was running at just under 5mph last night) but I can't wait to get stronger and faster and be able to run longer distances.  I'd say "HA, I TOLD you I'd be a runner", but you guys never doubted me.  I only ever doubted myself.  Well I am no longer giving power to my doubt, as Honore de Balzac would be thrilled to know.

I'm also proud of myself because of why I went running.  For some reason in the middle of the afternoon yesterday I just got really depressed.  I had accidentally eaten a lot of chocolate and candy yesterday without realizing it.  I was angry with myself, and then the weird sudden depression on top of it was really making me feel like crap.  I was tired, had to do laundry, and just wanted to crawl into bed and hide from knowing I'd have to post about it here.  But instead, I changed my attitude.  Remember how I said attitude is everything?  I thought to myself "You feel like crap. You want to go to bed.  Instead, go run a mile.  Don't let your mistaken preconceptions stop you.  The only thing stopping you is you.  Go run a mile. You can do it!"

And I did it.  And I feel great.  Today, I've been so pumped up by my success last night that I have eaten healthy all day because I wanted to, not because I thought I needed to.  I had a small bowl of cereal for breakfast, carrots with dressing and grapes as lunch, turkey and cheese roll-up as a snack, steamed salmon and broccoli with a cheesy baked potato for dinner, and two cookies for dessert.  I'll probably have a banana as a snack later.  By my count that's a serving of whole grains, three servings of dairy, two servings of protein, three servings of veggies, and three servings of fruit (I had two cups of grapes). 

I did yoga when I woke up this morning and if I wasn't so sore from running I'd go for a walk.  But today I'm going to take a short break from the exercise, plan out my day tomorrow, and relax knowing that I am awesome and capable of doing anything, making whatever changes I want to.

I feel so damn good.



PS:  Can anybody give me good suggestions for running socks?  Mine gave me blisters last night.  :(

Gogogogogo

Oh. My. God.  What an insane week this has been.  While I was working on my exhibit at the museum on Tuesday, I got a text from my little sister saying my mom had lost all feeling and movement in her left limbs.  Later, I got a call from my grandma saying my mom had a stroke, but was doing okay.  The next day I went to the class I had to go to, emailed another professor to request an extension on a paper due yesterday, and then threw all my shit in my car and hauled my ass home to take care of my little brother while my mom was in the hospital.  So that's what I've been doing - looking after a six year-old boy for three days.  I have to say, it's way more fun than I thought it would be.  Exhausting, yes, but so much fun!  I love my little brother, and I'm so glad I got the chance to spend this time with him.  I never get to see him.

So, my mom is doing really well!  After years of medical problems, she's so in tune with her body that she recognized right away the severity of the paralyzation and got to the hospital.  She got there just in the window of time the doctors needed to give her the medicine she needed, and the clot in her brain disappeared (they couldn't even find it on the MRI, it dissolved so quickly).  So now my mom is resting and doing some occupational therapy to regain muscle loss.  I'm going back home (to my apartment) tomorrow morning, but I'm gonna miss my brother so much. :(

Of course, the stress of the past few days has driven me to eat, eat, eat, eat, and eat some more.  I kind of feel like crap, haha, and I'm looking forward to getting back to my fruit and whole grains at home.  But, in the interest of making the improvements I can in life, I've been making sure to at least take a few minutes every day for myself.  I haven't had the chance to exercise, but I've been doing some light yoga and stretching when I can.  Even that little bit has helped immensely.  And making healthy changes when you can, where is can is what this journey is all about, right?  I'm learning.

Have a beautiful day!  : )