Holding Myself Back

Hello friends (and a special hello to my new followers!  So glad you're here!).  I hope everybody is doing okay.  There seems to be a lot of bad things going around lately.  Just stay strong, keep your chin up, keep your goals in mind, and everything will work out. : )

It's obviously been about forever and a day since I last posted.  You can pretty much guarantee that when I'm not blogging, I'm eating too much/exercising too little, and that it exactly what's been happening over the past two weeks.  It started the Thursday after my last weigh-in, when I had a falafel and fries at work.  I ate them because I believed I deserved them from my great losses, but also because I knew my family was coming in the next day and that my eating would be screwed for the weekend, so I did the worst thing - I said, "Why not?"  And I ate, ate, and ate so much more until I literally felt sick.  I had wanted to work out the next Monday, but I didn't.  Last week was finals week, and although I only had two exams I took it as an excuse to eat, eat, and eat. Now it's the week before my period, when I always feel ravenously hungry and never feel full, and I just can't seem to reign myself in.  I feel like my mind and body are two entirely separate entities and although my body says "do right by me, reach for the apple" my mind (or the brat within) gives it the finger and picks up a cookie. 

And it's not just that now I've gotten into the habit of eating bad things again I can't stop.  There's been a mental component too.  The day after my last awesome weigh-in of 201.5, I remember walking around thinking "It is so much easier to move - this weight loss can only make my life better".  But then, when I looked at my body in my full-length mirror and tried to imagine what I would look like after another 10, 20, or 30 pounds shed, the fear hit me.  It seemed to me that the bones of my hips were in fact much narrower than the fat on them and that with time, if I lost more weight, I would lose my curves.  This simple, almost fleeting thought really freaked me out.  Even though I have always, always, always been overweight I have also always had a lovely, almost perfect, hourglass figure.  It's one of things I'm really proud of (even though I did nothing to earn it).  I'm not a feminine woman, and sometimes my curves are the only thing I have to remind myself that I'm beautiful and sexy.  Which, I think, is almost half the problem (shouldn't I be relying on my own thoughts and confidence to feel sexy?  But I have body images issues and need to find things about myself that I like to boost my self-image, so how could my curves and my confidence ever be unrelated?). 

Basically, I was freaked out because of the ways I thought weight loss might change me, of the ways it might alter some very simple things that are hugely important to my identity (like my curves).   I know that I am who I am no matter what I weigh and that there are certain aspects of my personality and worldview that could never shift.  But yet I've been afraid of change for the past two weeks, eating myself almost right back up to my starting weight.  I've been letting my fear hold me back. 

So, I would like to request a weigh-in pass from madame Alexia this week, and spend next week getting back to eating only when I am hungry, drinking only water, and working on not letting fear hold me back from ANYTHING.  Not from eating right, working out, losing weight, or changing for the better.